Friday, February 27, 2009


Writing seems to free my soul, release my thoughts and lighten my load.  When my fingers hit the keys its like a spiritual prison gate is unlocked. 
Amazingly I can express my thoughts through written word, far better than verbally.  How is that possible that my mind can communicate better through my fingers than through my mouth? 
It can.  Most days. 


Knowledge can be
gained as well as lost.
Taught and shared
with those we love.
Knowledge can not
be seen or really heard.
Ever expanding,
never limited.
A struggle to gain,
a treasure to keep.
Important to nurture it
Only thing we take with us.

Sugar Cubes

Please dear come sit down with me and have some tea. Would you like a little sugar? aske Ms. Lucy Mack.

"no thank you." replied, Emma. "I prefer it plain. I know it is kind of bitter that way but I just don't like the sweet."

"To think a young gal as your self not crazy about sugar as are the other young kids of today." Ms. Mack commented, as she lifted her little tea cup to her mouth to take a sip. At that moment her young son Joseph came into the room with a hop skip and a jump. Wearing his white knickers and stripped shirt, all covered in dirt, it was obivious his baseball game was a successful one.

"Mom, mom, I got three home r....oh excuse me, I din't realize you had company." Joe said as he saw Emma Long sitting on the floral arm chair. There she sat with golden hair, all in perfect ringlets resting on her shoulder. She made eye contact with a nervous smile, as she then tilted her head down looking back down at her untouched tea in her hands. "How are you doing Emma?" the young handsome man asked.

"Very well thank you. I just stopped by to see if I could borrow some sugar for some cakes we are baking. Your mom was kind enough to invite me to sit down with her and have some tea."

"Well it is great to see you again." He said as he turned to his mother and as quickly as he came in he left the room as he said "I am going to wash up."


Today Two smashed her finger in the door, kind of a theme going on lately around here. After she stopped crying and was able to tell me what had happened, she asked or rather said "Me need a bandaid, mommy. It hurts me need a bandaid." Her finger wasn't bleeding, which for me is why you need a bandaid, but it was smooshed (I know it isn't a word but I like it) a little and red and obviously hurting.

So we went to the kitchen and pulled out the first aid kit and bandaged up her little finger, it was actually her middle but not sure why I just added that. Anyway once it was done I asked her if it felt better. You know what she said? "No, it still hurts."Usually the bandaid is a cure all for pain and sores and other bodily afflictions.

It caused me to pause and think about what "bandaids" I use for my emotional owies. Kind of funny that we keep the first aid kit in the kitchen because I think that is where I go first for my "bandaids" that are usually found in the refrigerator.

For example, not that I did this...ok I did....I bought some chocolate macadamia nuts for my "pay it forward" friends. I had enough that yesterday the kids and I shared a box, ok two...well the second Bee took some this morning for a friend, so we didn't eat both boxes, totally.

Anyway after the kids were off to school the little ones and I went for a little walk. For some reason I came home really sad. We are talking tears running down the face sad. Not sure where it all came from. But you know what I did, I came in and went straight for the un opened box of chocolates and started eating them.Then I asked myself, "do you feel better?"

And you know what my answer was?? "No but they tasted good." And as I sat there feeling sorry for myself, and lonely and just out of the blue blue, the phone rang. THANKS!! I know you felt you should call me and it was very appreciated and very very timely.

So my question to you is: What are some of your bandaids?

I wish mine were running or drinking lots of water or skipping!Though I do have to say I tend to use writing and walking as some other band aids.

Speaking of which we are off to walk to the post office. And summer is over and we still don't have a job for after the elections.

Favorite Tv Shows

I love TV, I admit. I am addicted. I can't fall asleep with out it. It used to be I couldn't fall asleep until I wrote in my journal, or read, but now no matter what time it is when I hit the bed I have to watch a good 20 minutes before I fall asleep. Sometimes it is just changing channels or sometimes it's my favorite 8 o'clock show.

What do I prefer to watch? Oh man, some I am embarrassed to even say.

First I love and record Ghost Whisperer! I can't seem to get enough of her ghost talking friends. Walking around seeing ghost struggling to figure out what they are doing still on earth and Melinda being able to help them solve their problems so they can move on into the light, always brings great story lines. The writers know how to turn something sometimes dark into something light and peaceful. Though I have to admit the latest story line of her husband's spirit going into another man's body and the same actor playing him, has me in a quandary. But love this show.

I also love Medium...I think I have a thing about death. Actually I do, I used to only write about death and murder when I was younger. Now I know there is more to life, though we do all die. Medium is good, I like their family life, and their daughter Bridgette always has me laughing. This show though is almost always based on murder, where Ghost Whisperer just deals with lost souls more than anything.

Then there is my Clean House on style network. A group of people come in and help people purge and clean out their messes, then sell it at a garage sale, then use that money to redecorate, clean and style their home, while the home owners go away. My daughter and I were watching the marathon yesterday and she said "we should make our house really messy so we can have them come and make me a cute room."

To which I replied "we need a house first."

"Oh yeah" she said.

I really like CSI las vegas, I have to admit I have been watching that show since day one. I turned a lot of my friends on to that show. Before it even started I wanted to be a crime scene photographer. However, the police chief, a family friend, talked me out of it. He said it would be a fun job, bunch of fun young people, however he asked me "have you ever smelled a two week old rotting dead body?" Yeah don't think I could do the smells...let alone the real sight. So I live vicariously through these guys.

Then of course the latest of my favorites is Private Practice. It has me sucked in, however its a little too much of a soap opera and I am tired of them all sleeping together, but I really like the show.

Anyway that is enough of my TV watching. I could list a few other, like House and The Office (though haven't really watched that since the movie strike way back when. I like My Name is Earl, and always enjoy Survivor.

Bad Habit

Did you say write about your most annoying habit or your worst habit? Are they one in the same? I am not sure. I guess I could scroll down and read again but then that just might take too much effort now wouldn't it.

I'd have to say it is my laziness sometimes. Don't get me wrong when I want to do something I do it NOW....ask my husband, he hates chore days with me. I am like get in, get out and get it down NOW. He is like oh pick up a few shirts, sit watch a movie, fold some laundry, get a drink, vaccuum...ok so maybe that is a bad habit of mine....

Oh I don't know this is hard, but again back to the laziness thing, I think I am not as lazy as I am easily distracted. You know like you go to clean your closet and you want to do it fast and then you find some pictures, that you decide need to go in the other room and then while there realize you haven't made the bed know and it goes on.

Speakdig of which I should be getting my kids some breakfast they are standing at my feet begging for some food and well I should go give them some but I really wanted to write and check my email.

I ran this morning too...I need to write about that.


Driving up Highway 17 with my mom, I was thinking about how my wart was finally gone off my toe. As a 16 year old this little wart was some of the biggest of my concerns, consuming my thoughts. I was not even thinking about the World Series pre game chatter we were listening to at the time on the radio. My thoughts and concerns focused on my look, my finally normal toe. In a brief moment my mundane, innocent thoughts turned. The road became a sea of waves. The radio fell silent. Trees lined the streets and bowed down to us. An overwhelming eerie quiet and calm filled the air. What had happened?

I quickly realized an earthquake had hit, and began to giggle at all the people pulled over checking their tires for a flat. My mom even commented that she thought we had a flat. Realizing that not every single person got a flat, I urged my mom to continue on, but we were stopped by huge fissures in the highway. We took a back road, to only be stopped again by fallen trees and rushing waters from broken water mains.

As we hiked the few miles home up hill, I looked into the homes, and was amazed at how messy all our neighbors kept them. Not until I walked into my own home did I realize the intense destruction of the earthquake of which its epicenter was two miles away.

Were we prepared that day? In some ways, we have been counseled by leaders and Prophets to store up food, have candles and water to be prepared for an emergency. We had that, well most of that. We didn’t have stored water but some juices and sodas.

I am not sure what I thought an emergency would consist of but nothing from words or lessons could have prepared us for a week with no electricity and six months with no running water, never mind all the rebuilding and repairing that was to take place.

With out the electricity, we turned to our frozen foods, not our can foods. The freezer didn’t stay cold for long, and all that meat and frozen vegetables had to be consumed. I don’t think I ever consumed so much meat in my life. The great part was we sat around the BBQ grill, with flashlights and roasted meat, and shared stories with friends and neighbors. We even delivered cooked steaks to other neighbors, and shared our food with them.

In my few years of life, I had sat through Sunday School lessons and Sacrament meeting talks, as the words of being prepared for an emergency flew over my head. I was a youth. I had no cares. I had no worries. My parents would take care of it all, and they did.

And not only did they, but neighbors and ward members all helped out. We cleaned each other’s houses. We gave food. Wards from across the country “adopted” us and sent us new dishes, meals, other lost items and cash.

In the end of it all I learned a great lesson. Maybe I wasn’t prepared that day for an emergency, I was too preoccupied with my little wart growing on my foot to care about heeding “adult” council. However, there isn’t a day that goes by that doesn’t bring me back to that moment in my life, when we needed to be prepared.

We needed to be prepared to receive help from others.

We needed to be prepared to help others.

We needed several everyday items on hand to survive. Roads weren’t drivable to go down to the store. The local stores received a lot of damage as well, to where their things weren’t sellable.

We needed to be prepared to watch others selflessly serve. Our own Branch President at the time, lost his home, it was leveled. He went around and checked branch members, he helped them out. The local beer company stopped producing beer for a week and just canned water, which they delivered in cases to all the homes in the area.

Emergency preparedness is more than having your shelves lined with canned food, flashlights and blankets. It’s about preparing your hearts for the type of service you will give to others and also the service you will receive.

And like me, just driving along on the freeway worrying more about my little toe, than others, we need to stop on our journey of life and think about those around us; how we can be prepared to serve them as well as take care of ourselves.

President Brigham Young said “Instead of searching after what the Lord is going to do for us, let us inquire what we can do for ourselves.” As we go about praying for the Lord to help us be prepared for our life emergencies, we need to go about and do all that we can to be prepared and pray that He can help us get to the point where we can not only be prepared for ourselves, but prepared to reach out to those around us.

Stop worrying about your little warts, and begin to worry about the bigger picture.

Piano Man

It's nine o'clock on a Saturday, regular crowd shuffles in...there's an old man sitting next to me, making love to his tonic and gin...Oh la di da di da da...." sang my radio as I began to reach over to snooze the melody waking me up this cold winter morning. I never liked having to set the alarm to wake up before the sun. And today was no exception.

I rolled over and shoved my head under the pillow, telling my alarm to give me ten more minutes. I do set my clock ahead ten minutes just so I can snooze an extra ten minutes. Kind of crazy mind games I play with myself, but there is something powerful about hitting the snooze and dozing off for a few minutes.

Though before I can finish dreaming about being a piano man in a bar, the alarm goes off again, to the sounds of the weather forecaster predicting a heavy snow fall. Great. The morning I decide to finally get up and go for a run it is freezing out and blizzardly.

I knew I should have bought a gym membership, I thought to myself as I tied up my shoes. I decided nothing was going to keep me from my goal. I grabbed my jacket, my hat and gloves and off I went.

To Run or Not To Run

To Run or not to Run,

seems to be the biggest question of my life...I mean really do you know any really over weight runners? I mean really, it seems to be such a simple task, get up, move your feet a little faster than walking, just two miles a day....and they say you will get faster, they say the weight will drop. They say you will feel better.

So why the heck is it so hard to get my tennis shoes on? Why can't I find the 30 minutes I need each day to make it the 2 miles? Why is it so hard to just go outside alone?

I just don't know!

Though today, amidst the rain, the cold weather, the crying of the kids "don't go mommy" I went out side and walked for an hour. Up the hills. Down the hills. Jogging a little here and there.

It is a start. It is a beginning.

Maybe just maybe in a few weeks I can be jogging. Maybe in a few weeks I will be down just ten pounds. Not a lot but a start.

Later I will work on the eating, but for now, its getting these legs moving.

Beck, Alice Walker, and Kissy Face

As I drove down the street heading to meet up with some friends, I listened carefully to the words of John Beck. If there were someone out there that could voice my political feelings. Something he said, headed my thoughts away from him and onto my own pathetic life.

What was it that he had said? I can't really remember but it made me think that this economy and recession and signs of the times have come and bit my family in the butt.

Really, how did we get where we are? What did we do that caused us to be heaped upon by trials and tribulations. I know it is apart of life, but really could we just slow it down a bit.

Then for some reason, maybe a little guidance by the spirit telling me to lighten up, I thought of the book The Color Purple, where life for those gals was tough, truly hard, and nothing compared to my life.

Though why does it feel like I have hit bottom that I can't get out of the hole that I am in?

Its is hard enough to find a job, let alone in our times right now. I feel for those across the nation that their whole towns and family are struggling what we are. I feel for my own brother and some dear friends.

What I would do right now to have someone look at me and make one of those fishy kissy faces and make things all better, sending me into a fit of laughter.

If life were only as easy as it was when a child, when simple smiles and kisses made you feel better.


"I have a headache this big and it has Excedrin written all over," buzzed the lady on TV looking worse than I did this morning. I really could use some Excerine myself.

Its been several weeks since I slept all night, and several more that I have stayed up way too late, surfing the web for solutions to my life problems.

Not sure how many solutions I can find out there hopping through blogs, reading emails, looking at free stuff on KSL, and looking for homes for sale and for rent. It isn't like I can buy a house, or rent one for that matter. I have no room for stuff, even if it is free, and my emails are old and out dated, but unread, but not calling me really to read them anyway.

I feel alone. I feel tired. I feel lost. I feel sad. I haven't felt this bad, since my post partum depression post my third child.

My head is pounding. I need some sun light, but the cold outside gives me brain freeze and burns my lungs.

Oh how I could go for a bottle of Excederine, right now. Maybe a Coke would help or a visit with some friends.


I am feeling so insecure. Who would have thought that at the age of 35---yes today is my birthday---I'd be where I am. Living with my parents, four kids and a job less husband, several dollars in debt, over weight and just depressed for the most part. It just has me in a stump of insecurity.

I just want to feel secure in this life.

I know that all happens for a reason. That we aren't tested above our means, but today I feel like I truly couldn't handle anymore. That I am about to break. I can't even imagine being able to handle any more or wanting to handle anymore. I feel I have hit rock bottom. I feel like I am drowning. I feel like I am done.

Talk about insecure right now.

Not insecure about myself. I think I am a pretty cool person. Don't mind too much how I look or if people like me.

My insecurities lie in what lies ahead. The uncertainty of the future. The uncertainty if ever my life will be calm. I know we are here to experience trials and tribulations, but I am done right now.

But again if these are the trials for me. I will take them, over other ones I know others have.

Talk about babbling.

My Turn

I have decided that right now its My TURN to take care of myself.

I have decided that it is ok for me to take an hour out of my day, to run, to read, to just be me.

I have decided that when it is eight at night and kids are crying because they want me and don't want to go to sleep, it is ok to say you know what its your turn to go to bed, and my turn to do things for me.

I have decided that when all is said and done if I don't take my turn, I won't be around to do much of anything.

I need my turn to recoup.

I need my turn to refocus.

I need my turn to breath.

I need my turn to smile.

I need my turn to laugh.

I need my turn to think.

I need my turn to just be me.

I need my turn to remember that I love those around me, and love taking a little bit of my turn time.

And it is OK!!!

Table Manners

Ring Ring.

'Not the phone again.' Emily thought to herself as she had just sat down to dinner with her family.

"Mom, THE PHONE." shouted little sis.

"I know. Lets just ignore it and enjoy dinner."Not sure of what she was thinking, about the whole idea of enjoying dinner. Had she not taught her family any manners?

"Honey" she directed the comment to her husband of eight years, "please get your arms off the table. You don't need to lay in your food and shovel it into your mouth like you are running a marathon." Emily was tired of seeing her husband day in and day out, hunched over his food throwing it in as fast as he could. What kind of manners is that teaching the children. Her thoughts and words were then directed to Mikey.

"Mike, no humming while you eat. Just eat your food and sing later please. Stop banging your feet like your playing the drums. It is dinner time not band practice."

'Oh my goodness, I should have just answered the phone.' Just then baby Steve through his unfinished food and bowl to the floor with a loud crash. Fed up she just left the table, not minding her own manners and asking to be excused, nor clearing her plate. Another day. We will work on the manners.