Colonoscopy

Because I know you like to know this is a true story as far as my memory serves me correctly: some details have been enhanced for your laughter and enjoyment..yeah right is there laughter involved in a colonoscopy? well with out further adieu the true story of my first colonoscopy.

They didn't call me Sister Job for no reason on my mission. I think having a stove blow up on me, getting a wisdom tooth pulled with no meds, going into anaphalyacitic shock, getting rashes, pneumonia, bronchitis, to name a few things that happened to me the first few months of my mission, I think earned me my name.

When I got to the point where I had to run to a bathroom praying that I didn't mess my pants (sorry) I knew I probably should be a little concerned. The cramping and the almost no warning about did me in.

One day we were in the middle of a discussion. The investigators asked me if I was ok. I was trying to hurry through the discussion so that I could run home to use our restroom. Well my body wasn't going to hold out that long. So I did what I didn't like to do, borrow someone's bathroom.

I went into their restroom, with my upset stomach and did my duty. Well to my chagrin there was no TP and this was definitely a TP moment. I called to my comp to bring me my black bag. She did and I pulled out the only paper product I could find, post it notes. Yes I used yellow sticky post it notes to wipe my bum. I am sure I still have paper cut scars to show for it.

Then, I had to flush the toilet. This instant, not un common in Brazil, there was no flusher, no tank. Which meant you had to fill a bucket with water and dump it in the toilet. Not a huge deal, used to it at this point. The problem was there was no sink in the water closet, but a shower head. So I turned on the shower head, and well it poured all over me and barely filled my bucket. By the time I got everything flushed and my hands washed, I was drenched not only with shower water but sweat.

When I walked out of the bathroom, the family asked me if I had decided to take a shower. Something I probably would have laughed at if I wasn't feeling so crappy. I said my thanks and we left.

After getting home I decided it was time to figure out what was going on with my intestines and called the mission president's wife. She set me up an appointment with the doctor. After visiting them, they figured I had some kind of bug in my intestines and needed a colonoscopy ASAP.

I left the office with a prescription for some IV bag fluid and laxatives. The night before the procedure I was to take, count them 6 laxatives and drink one IV bag. That went down not so easily. By 3 AM I was running to the restroom more than I had been before. By six am, and twelve bathroom trips later, I had to drink the other IV bag, and take 3 more laxatives. By the time 10 am rolled around, I just couldn't believe anything possibly could still leave my body.

Our AP's picked me up to take me to the hospital for the procedure. I only had to stop twice before getting there. They asked if we could stop by a wine store and buy me a cork. I laughed but told them it wasn't very funny.

I decided by the time we got the hospital there couldn't possibly any more bugs in me because they could not have held on.

No one had prepared me for how uncomfortable this procedure was going to be. Did I get any meds? I don't know. All I remember is laying down on a table, bearing my bum, and feeling like I was going to puke all over the table. I was able to hold it for a bit.

The uncomfortableness was over, well not totally because I hopped off the table and ran to the restroom, where my stomach couldn't hold on to its acids. And my rear end couldn't hold on to anything down there. So sitting on the toilet and holding a trash can, I finally got rid of all IV fluids and laxatives.