To Run or Not To Run

To Run or not to Run,

seems to be the biggest question of my life...I mean really do you know any really over weight runners? I mean really, it seems to be such a simple task, get up, move your feet a little faster than walking, just two miles a day....and they say you will get faster, they say the weight will drop. They say you will feel better.

So why the heck is it so hard to get my tennis shoes on? Why can't I find the 30 minutes I need each day to make it the 2 miles? Why is it so hard to just go outside alone?

I just don't know!

Though today, amidst the rain, the cold weather, the crying of the kids "don't go mommy" I went out side and walked for an hour. Up the hills. Down the hills. Jogging a little here and there.

It is a start. It is a beginning.

Maybe just maybe in a few weeks I can be jogging. Maybe in a few weeks I will be down just ten pounds. Not a lot but a start.

Later I will work on the eating, but for now, its getting these legs moving.

Beck, Alice Walker, and Kissy Face

As I drove down the street heading to meet up with some friends, I listened carefully to the words of John Beck. If there were someone out there that could voice my political feelings. Something he said, headed my thoughts away from him and onto my own pathetic life.

What was it that he had said? I can't really remember but it made me think that this economy and recession and signs of the times have come and bit my family in the butt.

Really, how did we get where we are? What did we do that caused us to be heaped upon by trials and tribulations. I know it is apart of life, but really could we just slow it down a bit.

Then for some reason, maybe a little guidance by the spirit telling me to lighten up, I thought of the book The Color Purple, where life for those gals was tough, truly hard, and nothing compared to my life.

Though why does it feel like I have hit bottom that I can't get out of the hole that I am in?

Its is hard enough to find a job, let alone in our times right now. I feel for those across the nation that their whole towns and family are struggling what we are. I feel for my own brother and some dear friends.

What I would do right now to have someone look at me and make one of those fishy kissy faces and make things all better, sending me into a fit of laughter.

If life were only as easy as it was when a child, when simple smiles and kisses made you feel better.

headache

"I have a headache this big and it has Excedrin written all over," buzzed the lady on TV looking worse than I did this morning. I really could use some Excerine myself.

Its been several weeks since I slept all night, and several more that I have stayed up way too late, surfing the web for solutions to my life problems.

Not sure how many solutions I can find out there hopping through blogs, reading emails, looking at free stuff on KSL, and looking for homes for sale and for rent. It isn't like I can buy a house, or rent one for that matter. I have no room for stuff, even if it is free, and my emails are old and out dated, but unread, but not calling me really to read them anyway.

I feel alone. I feel tired. I feel lost. I feel sad. I haven't felt this bad, since my post partum depression post my third child.

My head is pounding. I need some sun light, but the cold outside gives me brain freeze and burns my lungs.

Oh how I could go for a bottle of Excederine, right now. Maybe a Coke would help or a visit with some friends.

Insecurity

I am feeling so insecure. Who would have thought that at the age of 35---yes today is my birthday---I'd be where I am. Living with my parents, four kids and a job less husband, several dollars in debt, over weight and just depressed for the most part. It just has me in a stump of insecurity.

I just want to feel secure in this life.

I know that all happens for a reason. That we aren't tested above our means, but today I feel like I truly couldn't handle anymore. That I am about to break. I can't even imagine being able to handle any more or wanting to handle anymore. I feel I have hit rock bottom. I feel like I am drowning. I feel like I am done.

Talk about insecure right now.

Not insecure about myself. I think I am a pretty cool person. Don't mind too much how I look or if people like me.

My insecurities lie in what lies ahead. The uncertainty of the future. The uncertainty if ever my life will be calm. I know we are here to experience trials and tribulations, but I am done right now.

But again if these are the trials for me. I will take them, over other ones I know others have.

Talk about babbling.

My Turn

I have decided that right now its My TURN to take care of myself.

I have decided that it is ok for me to take an hour out of my day, to run, to read, to just be me.

I have decided that when it is eight at night and kids are crying because they want me and don't want to go to sleep, it is ok to say you know what its your turn to go to bed, and my turn to do things for me.

I have decided that when all is said and done if I don't take my turn, I won't be around to do much of anything.

I need my turn to recoup.

I need my turn to refocus.

I need my turn to breath.

I need my turn to smile.

I need my turn to laugh.

I need my turn to think.

I need my turn to just be me.

I need my turn to remember that I love those around me, and love taking a little bit of my turn time.

And it is OK!!!

Table Manners

Ring Ring.

'Not the phone again.' Emily thought to herself as she had just sat down to dinner with her family.

"Mom, THE PHONE." shouted little sis.

"I know. Lets just ignore it and enjoy dinner."Not sure of what she was thinking, about the whole idea of enjoying dinner. Had she not taught her family any manners?

"Honey" she directed the comment to her husband of eight years, "please get your arms off the table. You don't need to lay in your food and shovel it into your mouth like you are running a marathon." Emily was tired of seeing her husband day in and day out, hunched over his food throwing it in as fast as he could. What kind of manners is that teaching the children. Her thoughts and words were then directed to Mikey.

"Mike, no humming while you eat. Just eat your food and sing later please. Stop banging your feet like your playing the drums. It is dinner time not band practice."

'Oh my goodness, I should have just answered the phone.' Just then baby Steve through his unfinished food and bowl to the floor with a loud crash. Fed up she just left the table, not minding her own manners and asking to be excused, nor clearing her plate. Another day. We will work on the manners.

adventures in kitchen land

Adventures in Kitchen Land.


"Mom, Mom, Can we please make red velvet cupcakes. Please.. We bought the mix at the store last week. Please????" Yelled Bethany from the kitchen to her mother in the other room.

Mom was in the middle of changing loads, finishing up cleaning the down stairs bath and vacuuming the floor. She didn't know where she was going to squeeze in a few minutes to make some cupcakes.

She switched loads quickly, shook out the rugs, and finished her vacuuming and walked into the kitchen. Sitting at the island were her two little daughters, six and three. Set on the island in perfect order and patterned by color, were cupcake holders.

"Can we Mom?" Bethany asked again.

"Yes" Mom quickly replied.

"Do we have the things that you put the cupcakes in?"

"Yes let me go get some."

Mom ran off, well not ran, but went swiftly, though feeling the pain of her morning run. A new goal in her life lately. Making cupcakes probably doesn't help with that goal, but oh well. She went to the storage room, pulled out the tins and returned to her smiling girls.

Together they laughed and talked as they whipped up the cupcakes. After each tin was full, the girls covered their faces in red sticky goo as they licked the beaters.